Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Day 16

Quick stats

- I'm now producing 625 mL in a 24 hour period
- All up thus far we've spent over $400 on my relactation journey (for medication, herbs, pump hire, membership, SNS, etc)
- I spend roughly 4-5 hours a day pumping


He is refusing the breast and cries whenever I encourage it. Then I cry and start to hate myself and the whole process.

I've made the decision to exclusively pump and bottle feed him while mimicking breastfeeding (holding him against the breast, etc) and just use the breast as a comforter when he is OK with it.

It gets much too stressful. My PND and anxiety sky rocketed trying to get rid of bottles. I can't stand him crying. I physically and mentally cannot stand it.

I should say that for the week I breastfed earlier it was easy. I had a great supply and he latched well and never cried. So I find it soooo hard. Too hard.

I feel enormous amounts of relief just thinking about letting go of that pressure. It's not a simple decision and that's why I know that it's too much. It means more money (to buy a pump because long-term hiring will be too expensive), time, effort etc but that's how distressing I'm finding BFing. I love my boy too much to try and force this on him.

I'm hoping to give Cam a happy feeding relationship. I'm certainly enjoying, playing and bonding with him but not to my full ability and I don't want mornings like yesterday where we both just cried.

I knew that relactating was a risk factor for triggering more difficulty surrounding my PND and anxiety. I even tried twice earlier and decided it wasn't worth the stress but now I'm here and doing great.

I'm going to attempt to pump exclusively and bottlefeed him my milk and hope that I can do this for as long as possible. At this point it isn't too stressful to me and I really love that he is getting my milk. That being said I've only done it for 2 weeks.

My hubby is fully supportive of my exclusively pumping and obviously I'll make my breasts available to Cam if he is interested in breastfeeding, etc but I am not going to force it (hard to word that differently).

I know deep down I'm hurting from not being able to BF as normal. But I'm more than happy to pump exclusively and breast-nurture him as much as he'll allow me to. I simply can't force it and love our relationship as it is.

He's still looking into my eyes, cuddling close to me, feeling my skin, hearing my heartbeat and being nourished by my milk. There's no stress. There's more work but I'm not stressed. I actually really enjoy seeing my milk collecting and I'm getting soooooo close to his demands now!

I saw my GP yesterday and because I'm on such a high dose of motilium I was going to have to spend so much money to keep taking it so she did a bulk (one months worth) script for me and the pharmacist gave it to me for over 40% what I usually would pay! God is on my side, I tell you what!

I talked to my doctor and we agreed that it is best for me to get to a point where I have an oversupply then very slowly wean off the motilium until Cam is 8 months old where hopefully I won't be taking any. I'm giving myself mini goals with pumping exclusively because it isn't easy. My first goal is to get to when he is 4 months (2.5 months away). Wish me luck!

If you have found this relactation blog as a result of currently relactating or considering relactation; I hope this serves as inspiration for you and hope

Don't hesitate to contact me (racheous [at] live

You can see how we are doing now at Racheous 

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